Depression/Mental Illness


I am alive
I want for nothing
I cannot live without
I see
I feel
I laugh
I cry
I breathe
I believe
I live with the hope
I have for fear
I bleed
I burn
I share
I care
I am…alive

Nicolette Gordon © 21 July 2003

Giving Up

Hanging by a thread
Insanity just one step ahead
As you go to sleep every night you pray
You’ll survive to see the next day
That your senses will stay
And not slip away
Where nothing can touch you
Hurt you
Feel you

Where they see you
But you don’t see them
Where you’ve simply become
Their problem
You’ve nothing left to give
Lost the will to live
As you slip away
You wonder if they’ll forgive you
As the thread breaks
Releasing all your aches
And fears
And tears
And cares
Of what they’ll think
As you sink
Into nowhere

But somehow
Something always prevents you
Seeing this thing through
Pulls you back
For another season
And reason
That you cannot explain
And it drains your already drained brain
Trying to work out
What the tug of war is about

You don’t want to be here
But you keep returning
Soul burning
From this fighting with yearning
Of leaving
Enough to explode the brain
Making you insane enough
Never to return again
To this wonderful world

© Nicolette Gordon 2003

The Crying Game
she wept...
deselected was ever thus

she felt the coldness
the lack of want
greed was ever thus

she could not beseech
the out of reach
her warmth was not enough
and so
as 'twas ever thus
she wept...

© Nicolette Gordon May 2003

The journey

A mere step from insanity
What sweet solace could I find
If I stayed within the confines
Of my ever calling mind?
I cry out in desperation

But no-one seems to hear
No-one comes to heal the heartache
Or dispel my growing fear
Everyone seems too busy

Caught up in their private lives
How are you is the rhetoricNo-one caring who survives

Am I really coping?
Am I even really here?
Did I not leave here yesterday?
When the voices called me near
My children need a mother
For them I should be here
For without me who would bother
Who would love them?
Who would care?

That’s when I discovered
Saved before the final call
I’d had a change of weather
I’m not really mad at all! 

© Nicolette Gordon 2005

The Fa├žade

My deepest darkest friend
I know no other such as you
whose inmost thoughts run through
Feeding and fuelling
And eating and beating
You are alive

A temporary reprieve
Clinging to
Shrouded cloak of pain
Could come,
Should come

Time is aplenty for winter
When you are no longer
For feeling
A winter for three score or more
Will drain and make
As it dips
and it hits
and it chips
Into you
And all
Who strive to love you

Many have survived through winter
Survived to see summer again
And left behind
The blinding smokescreen
Shrouded cloak of pain

 Nicolette Gordon © June 2003


she was a fool
afraid and uncertain
only ever been companion
to pain
and desertion
that distorted her mind
made her
unable to find
within herself
an element for loving
though she cared for all
and gave selflessly
worked tirelessly
for the disadvantaged and needy
saving no moment for her own sanity
or the inner beauty
others told they could see
but she
could not believe…
and then
a phenomenon produced a friend
birthing a feeling long since debased
by fear, anxiety and waste
and lessons learnt through time
this friendship was
cracking the shell that she had grown
compelling her to wish
she was not alone
with dreams her sole nightly comfort
resolve forgotten…she cried
weakened by words mightier than any blow
causing feelings she thought she would never know
never dream to hope for
….Hope a distant memory
abandoned in the forest of neglect
and yet
her closest friend brought relief
awakened a decaying belief

Nicolette Gordon © 21 July 2003

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